My second Mother’s Day has come and gone, and I am still living in a global pandemic. My normal is very different from the normal of my dad and my other caregivers. My normal over the last year was riddled with anxiety, stress, and a whole world of unknown I didn’t expect when I labored for 13 hours in 2020. I am also still riddled with the same uncertainty that all new parents and caregivers have, and to be honest I think I’ve done a damn good job of navigating the trauma and the nuance, but only time will tell what “normal” we can settle into. I have so much to look forward to, and so much to celebrate and hope for in the midst of my regret and remorse. And Mother’s Day always brings out the feels. Here is a post I was reflecting on yesterday, some words I wrote last year for my first Mother’s Day, but words still as true today as ever. Words that will follow me forever. Our experiences shape us, good and bad, new and old. I’ll be forever working on my personal spiritual remodeling project, and I’ll carry these thoughts with me along the way.
Mothering while motherless is a phrase I saw a few times over Mother’s Day weekend while social media honored motherhood and the various layers that are there for us all. It really struck me in a way that made me feel sentimental for my own journey: as a gal who grew up motherless there was always a hole in my heart, waiting for something special to fill it. I always wanted to be a mom, and when I struggled for years to get pregnant I felt the hole get bigger. Feeling empty in emotionally draining times can dredge up a lot — but I kept going. Getting pregnant with Marlo Jean was surreal for me, even though I had tried for so long I never thought it would happen. She came into the world quickly, easily and beautifully. She never did fill the hole though. She carved out her own space, un marred by my childhood trauma, full of warmth and promise, seeping to the edges. For me motherhood is about embracing the jagged edges, the holes and voids, and basking in the soulful love and what’s to come. We can’t change what was, but we can let new change wash over us. My sweet Marlo is the change I want to be and the change I’ll embrace time and time again. Every day is not easy, but every day is a sweet blessing for me. Mama is my favorite title to bear, and I’ll carry it for always 💕